Plateaus and the “Messy Middle”

What this is about: That part of your healing journey where you are some better, but not all the way. Sometimes a place of frustration, disappointment and languishing.

What story is your mind telling you about illness and aging? Is there a part of you that does NOT believe you can be all the way better? Is there a part of you that does or wants to believe you can be completely well? How strong are those parts?

Who will you be when you are well? This is a touchy question that sometimes stops people in their tracks, it may even make some people feel angry. Who will you be when you are well? Can you draw your own boundaries for rest and self-care? Can you say NO to things you need to say NO to? Can you get your emotional and physical needs met without needing symptoms to “justify” why you need rest, care, and gentleness?

The Dream

In my 20s I had frequently recurring dreams in which I felt like I could not walk easily, I was trying to walk through water or sometimes mud. In other versions, I could not see clearly, my vision was terribly blurry. No matter how hard I struggled to walk or tried to blink my eyes, the problem only got worse. These dreams were very stressful, scary, and exhausting because in them, I was alone in the night somewhere and trying to walk or drive home.

One day, I told my dad about this. He is trained in Jungian Dreamwork and psychoanalysis and he asked me, “Have you ever tried stopping yourself from walking while in the dream?” That had never occurred to me but the very next time I had that dream, I was able to recall that suggestion mid-dream and I stopped myself from walking. Instantly the dream changed to something far less stressful and not even memorable. I have had it only rarely since then.

The Plateau

Last week I had my regular appointment with Sarah Rodewald NP, most of you know and love her, the founder of and provider at Partnered Healing. I have been a patient of hers since her Western Medicine days. As is always the case when I see her, I gain a better perspective about my own health and lifestyle situations, she reflects them back to me in a way that somehow I can’t see for myself on my own.

Many of you have told me your Partnered Healing Provider does this for you as well. And isn’t this a sign of a remarkable healer? One who listens and shows you yourself, because full healing ultimately comes from deep inside yourself, not from anyone, anything, or anywhere else.

I used the word plateau to describe to her how I have been feeling, but she helped me realize this is not actually a problem. It is an okay place to be and, in fact, it is an excellent place to be for November.

Being at a plateau often has a negative connotation in the health and wellness space because it can mean the journey to wellness, weight loss, or exercise goals has stalled. I would say that is partially true for me at this moment. My personal journey to freedom from pain and to normal immune system functioning feels a bit stalled, but also, I have made such remarkable strides in the past two-plus years in decreasing my pain and inflammation, regulating my nervous system, becoming a friend to my body, and just liking myself and my life, that it does make sense to have reached a bit of a standstill.

Sarah said, “The Soul can just keep rising and rising, but the Body needs time to catch up.”

It is not different from the idea of productivity—even when you are very productive, you will at some point need a rest. For me, that rest looks like not pressuring myself to do any personal growth or healing practices right now except what feels nourishing to my current steady state and, more importantly, what feels delightful and fun.

I think it might be like I am back to walking through mud. I need to stop to get started again.

The Beginning

When I begin working with clients, often their emotions are so built up, so pressurized, causing so much nervous system dysregulation, that during our first few sessions, my clients are tearful, struggling to hold their emotions “under control.” It feels to me like they are drowning in big emotions—usually grief, anger, and despair. I have this vision of the feelings being right up to their chins; they are drowning in them.

These big emotions are overwhelming their minds and bodies. Any little thing can set it off. When the emotions are being suppressed just under the surface because it is painful to feel them (this is a normal defense mechanism), often people will say, “I don’t know why I’m crying” or “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” Women (and maybe men) will often say, “I start crying even when I am mad, I hate crying when I’m mad.”

In our bodies, these overwhelming emotions show up as myriad chronic symptoms and autoimmune disorders all over the body—pain everywhere and anywhere, inflammation, stiffness, spasm, tightness, GI upset, headaches, etc.

Two years ago I was this person, drowning in huge emotions, pain and inflammation in most areas of my body—hips, back, neck, pelvis, knees, feet, hands, wrists, eyes. Every day was so hard.

Since then, one day at a time, I have regulated my nervous system, healthfully expressed my overwhelming emotions, and restructured my daily life to include much more of what I love doing, what excites me, and what makes my body feel good.

Now I have reached a plateau. I think it is a mixture of a plateau and what Nicole Sachs calls “the messy middle.”

The Messy Middle

It's time for me to stop trying to walk through mud and stand still—to stop trying to see through blurry vision and close my eyes. Metaphorically of course, but also probably for real. Standing, sitting, or lying still with my eyes closed is one good way to be patient for now.

Time to pause and accept:

It is time for me to sit back a little bit and rest on the personal growth side of things, embrace slow and dark November, do what makes my body feel good—which right now is cool, crisp walks, hot saunas, and going to bed earlier.

My elbow hurts; I have to stop trying to use it. My hormones are kind of wacky. I have to just accept that I don't know when my period will start right now—and enjoy my life anyway.

What emotional message is my body communicating to me:

I am aware that as I am approaching my 50th birthday this winter, I have a lot of emotions about aging. I am sad; I feel a little panic and FOMO and probably a lot of denial.

For myself and with clients, I use a practice I call Body Dialogue, which is my method of directly asking the body what the problem (symptom) is communicating.

My right elbow has been painful on and off for several weeks. It is “talking to me.” When I place my attention on that elbow and ask what emotion is presenting there, the answer is fear and denial of aging.

I don’t have a lot of expanders on graceful, healthful, beautiful, sexy, active, growth-oriented, wholehearted aging. As a nurse, I have seen a lot of the opposite.

How do I both accept aging and also not accept the common story of aging which feels like a downhill spiral? Someone in my life literally says every time I see them, “I’m just getting older every day.” They don’t mean that in a good way.

What stories am I telling myself that may not be true:

While I believe from a philosophical and scientific point of view that I am capable of living a pain-free, unrestricted life even as I approach 50—because really, that is not that old at all—my heart does not quite believe that yet.

My body feels so much better than it did even six months ago, but I got really used to being unwell for decades, so now that it is a lot better, I have become a bit complacent in the thought that “well, I am almost 50 and the likelihood of me getting 100% better seems a little farfetched.”

Even as I have the neuroscience (John Sarno and Nicole Sachs’ work on TMS) to refute this belief.

This is the messy middle. The pain and inflammation are not as bad as they used to be. I have several very effective practices I could be using daily (and that I teach) to move myself forward—but I am not.

I’m not drowning in overwhelming emotions anymore; that feels good. Areas of pain that used to restrict my activities so much are not a problem now, but other areas have become painful.

This is actually how the nervous system and TMS (tension myoneural syndrome) work. If there are still emotions that need to be fully and safely expressed, then the physical symptoms will keep showing up until those are processed and the nervous system feels safe and calm.

I’m not as physically restricted, but I am restricting my own thinking.

When I use Body Dialogue to ask my body what emotion or what the problem is that the elbow, hips, and knees are trying to tell me, the answer I “hear” is “you are still too rigid.”

My thinking and expectations about aging and what I “should be doing” are still too rigid.

Right now though, more is not the answer. More effort, more forcing is not what is needed.

Nervous system regulation in relationship to chronic pain and illness is entirely about safe vs not safe. Internal dialogue in my mind that says I am not doing enough makes my nervous system feel unsafe, which ironically increases my dysregulation and symptoms.

My elbow and my sense of nervous system dysregulation right now are pointing me back to less.

Less is more. Go back to simplicity, go back to the basics of what has worked in the past, which is slow and gentle.

If, like me, you have reached the messy middle and feel stalled, you have permission now to take it easy.

Use November to soak up all the things that feel nourishing, gentle, and cozy to you. Don’t worry—you’ll soon feel the motivation return for more. For now, just enjoy how far you have come.

As my sister (I call her my SiStar) said to me just this week, “What’s the point of climbing if you don’t take breaks to enjoy the view?”

Join Us

We are hosting a deep dive into this month’s topic, Preparing for Your Own Peace, on Thursday, November 20th, 11:00 AM–12:15 PM, free for Partnered Healing Members.

Details on the Events page on our website. Space is limited—RSVP asap!

Written byJessica Cochran, BSN RN

Partnered Healing Integrative Life Coach