Everyone wants to feel Joy and Presence, but where do we find it?

Part of a series on Overwhelm

In August, Partnered Healing Health Coach Lindsay Duke, and myself will be exploring how to manage overwhelm in our Community Small groups, free to our members. RSVP here.

The answer is very simple, not necessarily easy, but it is simple.

Joy and Presence live only in the regulated nervous system state of Rest.

Welcome to High Summer, that is what I like to call this time of year in Ohio when the bugs are singing, the flowers are in full bloom, and the humidity can be relentless. I am not complaining, I want to soak up every drop and avoid the inevitable march toward August and the subsequent spike in my own nervous system at the sensation of the year speeding by. Too much filling our days, even good things, is overwhelming and creates a sense of scarcity and inadequacy. These are red flags of danger to your nervous system.

I feel this the most each evening as I am walking around the house, pulling window shades down against the evening light, loading the dinner dishes into the dishwasher, turning off overhead lights and turning on lamps, putting calm-inducing oils in the diffuser in hopes that my energetic 10 year old will get the message that bedtime is near. Since this part of the day is the same every day it marks the passing of the time in ways that sometimes leave me feeling a sense of grief and panic. “Please slow down,” I whisper to Life. 

What I’m really asking Life for is to feel joyful and present in my daily rhythm. All the plans, all the summer bucket lists, all the best intentions, cannot provide joy and presence in the way that a regulated nervous system can, and while I employ all the tools I teach in coaching and have tended deeply to my emotional reservoir and to my physical body through somatics, overwhelm can still activate my nervous system quickly.

Overwhelm means “to bury or drown beneath a huge mass.” The current culture and pace of life we are exposed to is completely overwhelming to our human bodies when we are not diligent in practicing the art of discernment, using boundaries, and if we are comparing ourselves to others or simply doing too much, expecting too much, and taking in too much.  

This blog builds on information and resources I have provided in past blogs so please refer to those for foundational concepts. Let’s get a little deeper into what it means to have a regulated or dysregulated nervous system.

First let’s define a “regulated nervous system.” This simply means that your autonomic nervous system (the part of your nervous system in charge of keeping you alive) is resting at a calm-ish baseline most of the time. It’s like a good friend that is standing next to you ready to punch out a bully on your behalf if needed, but willing to let you carry on most of the time without preemptively sending out the alerts. The common terminology that many people are familiar with for this state is “Rest and Digest” or “Rest, Digest, and Repair.” This means that appropriate energy and physical resources like oxygen, blood flow, and nerve innervation are going to all the organ systems that need them. This is especially important in your digestive tract so you can properly digest your food and absorb your nutrients, your endocrine system which sends hormonal messengers to direct nearly every function of your body, and to your immune system which is responsible for protecting you. Part of the way the immune system protects you is to go on clean up and repair missions. Normal biological and cellular function causes wear and tear on the body as well as cells age and sometimes begin making mistakes so we need a strong, well-resourced immune system to do the clean up and repair jobs. Repairing the body happens in large part when you are sleeping and not digesting. 

The nervous system state of Rest is not just sleep. It is also the ability to be calm, feel relaxed, and opens access to the highly desired place of presence. A state of presence means you are not thinking about what’s coming in the future, nor are you ruminating on the past. Presence is the cool breeze on your skin, it’s the pleasure in a loved one's touch, it is the sweetness of a moment with your child, it is really tasting your food and recognizing the blessing and abundance in having it. Presence is feeling like time has slowed and you see your environment with clear, sharp eyes, you make strong memories, and the feeling of peace lasts long after the moment has passed. For me, presence is observing my flowers on the deck in the early morning with a hot cup of matcha warming my hands and body. This moment sets the stage for me to embrace the day in a way that feels possible and supported. This is what everyone wants. 

This only exists within a regulated nervous system. 

A regulated nervous system rests at a steady baseline and can react, shifting into “fight or flight” when needed but then returns to baseline once the threat has passed. 

So what does a ”dysregulated nervous system” do? One version of this chronically activated autonomic nervous system state is like a guard dog that is standing in front of you at all times, muscles always tensed, growling, on guard, scanning for threat. It drives you to push and strive for more. It stands between you and everything you want; healthy relationships, presence, joy, creativity, and vibrant health. A dysregulated nervous system has decided based on past experiences (ie. childhood experiences, trauma, stressful work or school situations, difficult relationships etc) that you are never truly safe and since its job is to keep you safe and alive, it will do what it needs to do at all costs. In this case what this means is that your activated and dysregulated nervous system is asking all your other organ systems to give up some of their resources to help sustain the perceived constant battle to keep you safe and alive. “Hey Liver, we need 30% of your daily resources to help make sure our human is safe and ok, Hey Immune System, we need 30% of your daily resources to keep our human safe and ok, Hey Skin, we need 30% of your daily resources to make sure our human stays safe and ok,” and so on with any organ system that is not crucial to surviving a dangerous or life-threatening situation. Over time this means these systems go without the fullest resources they need to keep your body functioning well. How long can your body and organ systems sustain that deficit?

Other very common dysregulated nervous system states are Freeze and shut-down often in response to overwhelm of any kind. This is like retreating into a turtle shell. There is a sense of numbness and often extreme exhaustion with chronic overwhelm. It’s hard to feel anything and to take action even on the things you really want to do.  

A dysregulated autonomic nervous system is one that cannot settle into a calm state due to an ongoing external dangerous situation, or more likely, due to the perceived internal threat of overwhelming suppressed and repressed, unprocessed and unexpressed emotional triggers. This is what it means when we say any kind of past or present stress, trauma or experience has the ability to impact current health and well-being. 

I want to point out that with the exception of true physical danger, almost all the examples I have given here of things that can seem “normal” but cause the nervous system to perceive stress, danger, and scarcity are situations that elicit emotions. In case it is not clear, it is the emotions, the way we feel about these situations, that fill the emotional reservoir, that are triggered, and that when ignored or repressed cause the nervous system to stay locked in a dysregulated pattern.

So. Whether a person is feeling like they are in “fight or flight” all the time, busy, restless, can’t relax, life is chaotic, something new always pops up etc, or they feel unable to move forward, can’t take action, don’t even know what they want to do maybe, both states make it impossible to access presence and joy. Why is this?

Imagine you are being chased by a huge, powerful predator and if you get caught, it will likely end your life. Just for a moment imagine that scenario. It could be a human or animal predator. 

Now, is that a good time to stop and appreciate the sunset? Would it be safe for you to smile and laugh at something beautiful that catches your eye? Would you be able to feel your body relax into the warmth of a quiet moment with a loved one? No. Absolutely not. That would be ridiculous and would end in great harm to you. Your entire body would be focused on keeping you safe, your vision would be narrowed, all that energy supply and blood flow would be directed toward your large muscle groups  and cardiovascular system so that you could take whatever action is needed like to run or fight, or maybe if it is a threat you cannot hope to outrun, you would freeze, hide, retreat in order not to be seen. WHATEVER KEEPS YOU ALIVE AND SAFE. This is what your autonomic nervous system does every time it perceives danger of any kind and the truth of the matter is that while many humans may not be living in truly dangerous zones of conflict in the world, every human has an emotional reservoir filled with unprocessed repressed and suppressed emotions that feel uncomfortable and threatening to the nervous system. The nervous system is a biological system and it reacts in a biological way. This means it does not differentiate between a car speeding toward you in the wrong lane of a busy highway and the emotions that have built up in your body, in your emotional reservoir, over the years from a childhood with trauma or harsh parenting, parental conflict, abandonment, difficult relationships or your current daily emotions, difficulties, and resentments that build up over time. 

So the simple, but not easy, answer is to slowly, gently, preferably with support, begin to learn how to safely express emotions and treat yourself with compassion. These emotions in the emotional reservoir will only stop being triggered, and will only resolve with safe and complete expression. No amount of ignoring, moving on, or pushing away will resolve them. They are what rises up every time you feel triggered, activated, or flared up. Learning compassion for oneself is what helps the nervous system stop protecting against unrealistic expectations, unreasonably high standards, people-pleasing, a strong inner critic, and perfectionism, all of which are red flags of danger to your nervous system.

Understanding all the pieces can be really helpful because it sheds a whole new light on symptoms and behavior patterns that people may have struggled with their entire lives, but it can also feel scary and completely overwhelming to begin, even when you know what to do. The thing is, it’s already hard to live without feeling presence and joy. People can feel it is missing. I know this because so many clients say to me in their first session, “I just want to be able to feel present, joyful, and happy.” The activated nervous system slams the lid shut on the emotional reservoir and the problem with this is that we can’t feel all the good things, like presence and happiness, and also block all the “bad” things. We either allow and feel all of our emotions or we feel nothing. 

So we choose one challenging thing, living without joy and presence, or the other, emotional processing. One leads in circles, one leads to more joy and presence. It all boils down to whether your beloved, brilliant, perfect autonomic nervous system is given the opportunity to believe that you are safe, heard, loved, and protected so it can finally stand down.  

So you can finally live joyfully in the present moment. 

If this resonates with you, please talk with your Partnered Healing provider about nervous system regulation tools and consider exploring Integrative Life Coaching for specialized nervous system education, tools, and support. 

Resource list:

Nicole Sachs https://www.yourbreakawake.com/

Sarah Baldwin https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/you-make-sense/id1770199152

Howard Schubiner https://unlearnyourpain.com/

Written by Jessica Cochran RN BSN

Integrative Life Coach

Certified Sarno x Sachs Solution: Nervous System Regulation for Chronic Pain Recovery